PANIC RATE IN JAPAN SOARS HIGH!
TOKYO, JAPAN-It is a scene of panic and terror in the streets of the city. A new bird has entered Japan. It isn't just any bird, It's 600 times taller than an average adult person, and 1,000 times as ferocious. It is the size that Godzilla would be, if Go dzilla actually existed. Yet this is real-a little too real. The bird's scientific name is Nsansoneisagoodmagician but its common name is Godsilly. It was last sighted by the big, gold Artiscool building, which is currently the tallest building in Japan. Attempts of shooting it down with a helicopter abruptly failed, as Godsilly swiped at it, causing it to explode. Luckily, nobody was injured, the pilot having exited by parachute.

Godsilly is very colorful, with a red beak and a yellow projection out of the back of its head. It first came about when two high-school boys tried to genetically merge Big Bird, Barney, Godzilla, and Dan Quayle. Schools have closed, the electricity has s topped, and everyone has locked themselves in their houses. Godsilly feeds on anything it can get its hands on, and it lives in Japan, causing the citizens constant torture. Will nothing stop this monster? Or will we have to call in the only monster evil enough to defeat this one-Richard Simmons?! Buy next weeks issue when we answer little or none of these questions. Also next week-find out the truth about Larry Bird and Dan Quayle.

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